We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
