Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
we're making bets on your personal life
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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