You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
