Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
