how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
