Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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