i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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