James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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