Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
try to milk me bitch
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