anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
