I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
