i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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