My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
