He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
