I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
