I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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