Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Even my vagina gasped.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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