Tell her she can't have a vagina
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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