Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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