I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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