I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
