I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Randomize
