Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
