Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
