I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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