She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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