I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
