if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
