I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
