he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
