ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
