Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
