i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
