If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
