4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
