you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
