I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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