is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
