first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
