the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
