Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I want a musical about memes.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
