I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Let's get the cat blown out
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
