Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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