My nipple is on Facebook.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
