You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
