Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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