cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
