I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
