I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
