I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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