I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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