My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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