I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
